


An Archangel and a Prophet Sitting in a Bunker

by LadyDrace



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angels are Dicks, Gen, Humor, Men of Letters Bunker, Prophet Kevin, Protective Gabriel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-31
Updated: 2015-08-31
Packaged: 2018-04-18 06:33:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4695767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyDrace/pseuds/LadyDrace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sounds like the beginning of a joke, doesn't it?</p><p>Or: Four little glimpses of what life would be like for Kevin if his protector angel was Gabriel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Archangel and a Prophet Sitting in a Bunker

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for [peromy-march](http://peromy-march.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr. I hope it's even remotely what you wanted! 
> 
> Unbetaed. Feel free to point out any mistakes!

Being a prophet had so far been a shitty deal. From what Kevin could understand, the only other prophet Sam and Dean had ever had to deal with had been a neurotic drunk, and if things continued the way they had so far, Kevin had pretty much resigned himself to ending up the same.

 

Not only did he have to deal with the headaches and the constant unstoppable urge to keep working and bringing the supposed word of God from the damn stone tablets to his subjects, but on top of that... Kevin got _Gabriel_.

 

His supposed archangel protector was honestly not doing much protecting. If anything, he was just being a nuisance.

 

“You do realize you've stolen my gig, right?” Gabriel mused at one point, slumped on an elbow and leaning way too far into Kevin's space.

 

“You're welcome to take over,” Kevin countered, holding the tablet out to him, and enjoyed a brief moment of victory as Gabriel glared.

 

“Not cool. You know damn well I can't read a single one of those scribbles.”

 

Kevin snorted and got back to it. But, predictably, he only had a brief moment of peace.

 

“You have to admit it's ironic, though, right? I mean, back when the Bible was still in pre-production, I was the head consultant! People prayed to me, _specifically_ , for the inside story! I was the guy with the scoop! The main line of information between you lowly maggots and the good lord himself! And now... I'm babysitting you while you decipher Daddy's ditzy post-it notes!”

 

“Maybe if you hadn't, I dunno... _left Heaven_ , God wouldn't have needed these things, now would he?” Kevin pointed out snappishly. “And you're a shit babysitter, by the way. You won't even fix my headache.”

 

Gabriel flung out his arms in over-exaggerated drama. “Who am I to argue with God's will?!”

 

“Not sure who you are, but I have pretty good idea _what_ you are.”

 

“I'm wounded!”

 

“And yet, I'm the one in pain.”

 

“Pfft. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.”

 

Kevin groaned and rubbed his forehead. “I dunno, it might still kill me. It sure hurts bad enough.”

 

There was a moment of blessed quiet, but then Gabriel huffed. “ _Fine_. Wuss.”

 

And then the headache was gone, like it had never even been there, and Kevin could have cried from relief. He almost did cry when he looked down and realized that all his hard-won notes had been replaced with high-resolution naked pictures of Gabriel.

 

 

* * *

 

 

At first Kevin just assumed his headaches now came with a helping of visual disturbances. But after a while there was no doubt. Gabriel was starting to look weird. Kind of... transparent. Like his vessel was made of rice paper and just sort of layered badly on top of... whatever was underneath.

 

“Is your vessel okay?” Kevin asked the next time his angel popped in.

 

Gabriel made a big deal of looking down at himself and patting his body in random places. “Yerrp! Looks okay! No holes or anything!”

 

“Okay, if you say so,” Kevin said breezily, and went back to the tablets with a shrug. Probably the best part of being a prophet was that angels couldn't read his mind, so all he had to do was wait. It was deliciously satisfying how he could almost feel Gabriel's curiosity in the air, and sure enough...

 

“All right, smartass, I'll bite. Why do you ask?”

 

Kevin made sure to look bored as he laid down his pen and stretched luxuriously. “No big deal, really. It's just looking a little... thin. Your junk's kinda hanging out.”

 

Not that any part of the swirling ball of... _something_ , churning just under the surface, could really be labeled as any specific body part, but it made Kevin feel vindictively happy to watch Gabriel narrow his eyes at him.

 

“No way. You still have eyeballs. Archangel, remember?”

 

Pointing both thumbs at himself, Kevin grinned obnoxiously. “Prophet.”

 

“Junkless,” Gabriel pointed out, and Kevin paused.

 

“Are you referring to you or me?”

 

“Both.”

 

“Doesn't change the fact that I can totally see your... bits.”

 

Gabriel eyed the smirk on Kevin's face for a while, before answering with one of his own.

 

“Well, then. In that case I guess you won't mind if I just undo a few buttons.”

 

Kevin regretted every single choice in his life leading up to the point where Gabriel let it all hang out. The vessel was still visible, sort of, but instead of sticking politely inside its borders, the undulating, pulsing and glowing mass, that was apparently somehow Gabriel's true form, spread out absurdly until it filled the whole room. Kevin desperately tried to make himself smaller so he wouldn't have to touch it, because, wow, it looked _super_ weird.

 

“Ahhhhhhhhhhh,” Gabriel moaned obscenely. “That's one testicle not cramping anymore.”

 

“Cute,” Kevin grumbled, and flinched away from a tendril of the... _something_ , slithering up his shoulder. “Dude, _gross_!”

 

“Shush, maggot. This is the essence of Heaven you're looking at.”

 

“It looks like something out of Ghostbusters.”

 

“The PG version, obviously,” Gabriel purred and oh, _hell_ no!

 

“NOPE!” Kevin yelped, almost toppling off his chair in his haste to get away. He shoved his way through the Gabriel-thing, shuddering and flinching the whole time, until he finally found a door and was able to leave.

 

What a dick.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Every once in a while, Kevin needed air badly enough that he managed to ignore his frenzied need to work for long enough to go outside.

 

Of course, there was obviously some kind of sign on his back that said “squishy human, free sample!” because it took less than half an hour for some random dickhead of a demon to waltz up to him, just as he was paying for his snacks at a convenience store.

 

“Well, well, well. If it isn't the Winchesters' little pet,” it drawled, as much a classic movie villain as demons ever were.

 

Kevin was not in the mood. It was his first break in three days, and he needed sugar like a smoker needed nicotine. He finished paying before even looking at the annoying dude currently wearing a random trucker, so obviously it was a rush job. He couldn't help but snort. They really were getting desperate.

 

“Sorry, man, it's just not your lucky day,” he informed the poor sucker before simply skirting around him and leaving the shop, prepared to make the long, but otherwise pleasant trek back to the bunker on foot, because when Sam and Dean were out hunting, Kevin was on his own.

 

“Hey, who the fuck do you think you are?!” the demon shouted, stomping through the doors after him.

 

Busying himself with opening his Red Vines, Kevin didn't even bother looking at him. “I'm a prophet, you idiot.”

 

Gabriel might be a lot of things, but he'd never let a chance for dramatic effect slip away, and right on cue there was a flash of light, the high pitched whine of an angel arriving, and then a smudge where the demon had just been.

 

The whine sounded again, and Kevin answered without thinking.

 

“I know, what a moron, right?”

 

It took a while before he realized his ears didn't hurt and that he'd understood it at all.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Gabriel wasn't a dickhead all the time, as much as it might feel like it. He _could_ be nice. It was just never for free.

 

“Why,” Kevin asked, not bothering with inflection, because it honestly felt like a part of him had died inside.

 

“Because we're going incognito, of course!”

 

“This? Is not incognito. This is _insanity_.”

 

“Po-ta-to, po-tah-to.”

 

“Why couldn't you just have teleported me there? Or made me invisible?

 

“And where would the fun be in that?” Gabriel asked with a disturbing grin, and pressed his foot down on the accelerator, making sure Kevin felt thoroughly violated.

 

Next time, Kevin swore to himself. Even if he had to resort to dark magic, next time they went to see Kevin's mom, _Gabriel_ could be the freakin' car.

 

 

End.

 

 


End file.
